


The World in the Palm of Your Hand

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode Tag, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-05 01:51:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12180585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: A post Nemesis episode addition. Kathryn and Chakotay come to an understanding after the emotional upheaval of his experiences with the Vori.





	The World in the Palm of Your Hand

Kathryn paced her quarters. What to do? What to do? He was shattered. An emotional wreck and she wasn’t sure how to deal with it. It struck a chord deep within her, but she was torn.

She wanted to go to him, to offer comfort – either a shoulder to cry on or just someone at whom he could rail and vent his anger – but she was unsure of the boundaries now. Ever since their encounter with the Borg, their relationship had been on shaky ground and now that he needed someone she wasn’t sure if she was the right person to offer him comfort. Up until a few weeks ago, she wouldn’t have hesitated, but now things were different. There was a barrier between them that neither had attempted to breach.

She was angry with herself. There had been plenty of opportunities to mend the rift between them, but no, she’d been stubborn and now it had backfired. He needed her and they were both floundering.

Nothing had gone right since their falling out. They’d lost their Kes, and Kathryn missed her terribly. Seven of Nine, the Borg drone, whom they’d ‘rescued’ from the collective, was a poor substitute for their pixie faced friend, and to make matters worse, Kathryn was in constant conflict with this newest crewmember. The Borg’s rehabilitation was going to be a long and difficult ordeal and there was no guarantee that they would be successful in re-establishing her humanity.

Kathryn sighed. She was now questioning her decision to keep Seven of Nine on board, and she wasn’t in the habit of second guessing her decisions but perhaps Chakotay had been right. Things had been completely out of kilter since they’d brought her on board.

For instance, their encounter with the Cataati had been complicated by her presence. Voyager had come across a rag tag group of aliens, the last remnants of a civilization recently assimilated by the Borg. They’d begged for assistance and Kathryn had rendered as much help as they were able, but the Cataati were a desperate people. When they’d realised that Voyager was harbouring a Borg, their good will had turned to animosity.

Voyager’s bad luck had continued with their disastrous attempt to create a transwarp corridor. As they’d tried to initiate a subspace field, tachyons had leaked into the propulsion system. They’d had to dump the core to avoid a total breach. Tom and B’Elanna had been sent to retrieve the core, but had encountered the irate Cataati. Their shuttle had been destroyed and they’d almost been lost as well.

Kathryn had eventually come to an understanding with the Cataati, swapping their warp core for a Thorium generator, but it had been small recompense for what they’d been through.

Kathryn wasn’t superstitious, but she couldn’t help wondering if there was some cosmic force at work. During the Borg encounter, things had gone to hell when she and Chakotay had been at odds with one another, but when they’d started working together again, they’d triumphed. She was convinced that it meant something.

Kathryn turned to look out the viewport and shook her head in frustration. In sick bay, she’d seen how tenuous Chakotay’s control had been. His eyes were dark chasms of anguish and hate. It had been so unfair and only a cruel trick of fate that had led him to be in Vori space at that particular time and place, but that didn’t lessen the impact of his ordeal.

Tuvok had given her a succinct and candid report of his findings on the Vori and their techniques. Poor Chakotay hadn’t stood a chance. He’d been drugged, brainwashed and manipulated. What he’d been put through was beyond reprehensible, but, because of the Prime Directive, they were compelled to turn their backs and walk away. Deep down she wanted to lay waste to the planet for what they’d done to him.

She’d tried to be supportive in sickbay, in a ‘compassionate leader’ kind of way, masking her deep concern with officious banter, but her heart had ached. And the Doctor… she groaned inwardly. She’d wanted to slap him for his flippant attitude. Couldn’t he see that Chakotay was suffering? It was torture to watch, and she’d had to mask her horror as she listened to the EMH’s analysis of what had happened to Chakotay. As much as she’d tried to distance herself, it tugged painfully at her heart.

It was poor judgement on Neelix’s part to bring the Kradin Ambassador to sickbay, but he wasn’t to know. The Ambassador had come to apologise, but so deeply affected was Chakotay by his experiences that he’d coldly excused himself and left sickbay.

Chakotay’s behaviour was bad enough, but Kathryn cringed when she thought of her own reaction.

Chakotay had fled sick bay and she’d rushed after him, leaving Ambassador Treen, Neelix and the Doctor to stare in surprise at her retreating back. It was very bad form, but she was worried about him. Very worried and she would have done no less for any other member of the crew.

‘What a load of crap, Kathryn,’ she chided herself. Of course she wouldn’t. This was Chakotay. Her Chakotay, and she loved him. Like a friend but also as the man who owned her heart. She’d followed him because she cared deeply for him and she had to make sure he was all right.

She sighed. She still wasn’t sure if he was.

“Computer. Locate Commander Chakotay.”

_“Commander Chakotay is in his quarters.”_

“What is his status?”

_“Commander Chakotay is awake.”_

Kathryn tapped her combadge. “Janeway to Chakotay.”

There was no answer. She frowned. He might be meditating or on a vision quest. She lifted her hand to her combadge again, but let it drop. He was awake so presumably he was okay. Taking a moment to think of a way to offer comfort without appearing to overstep the bounds, she moved over to the replicator. “One large terrine of mushroom soup and a loaf of sour dough bread.” With a satisfied smile, she placed the meal on a tray and exited her quarters.

Balancing the tray with one hand, she rang the chime on his door and waited. There was no answer. Now she was in a quandary. Did she ring the chime again and risk disturbing his vision quest or……? Without hesitation she tapped in her override code and stepped into his dimly lit quarters. She justified her actions by convincing herself that she was checking to make sure he was recovering from his ordeal and to leave the meal here for him. It was the neighbourly thing to do.

Placing the tray on his table she quickly scanned the living area. It was empty. Perhaps he was in bed already. She tip-toed over to his bedroom door, but he wasn’t there either. Then she heard noises from the bathroom. Damn.

She didn’t want to be here when he came out of the bathroom. It would appear as a gross invasion of his privacy. She moved away from the door on her way to the exit, only to hear a loud thump and the sound of breaking glass.

Without giving a thought to what she was doing, she ran straight through his bedroom and keyed open his bathroom door. He turned towards her, startled. But all she could see was blood.

“Chakotay, what have you done? God, are you all right?”

“Kathryn! Get out of here.”

He was standing there naked trying to wrap a towel around his bleeding hand. She stepped over the broken mirror and grabbed his hand. “Let me look.” She peeled back the towel and inspected the cuts. None were deep enough to need immediate repair, but she’d have to get a dermal regenerator to fix them. “You’ll survive. What the hell happened?” She looked over her shoulder at the shattered glass.

“Kathryn, please get out of my bathroom.”

“I….. Oh, sorry.” It was at that moment she realised that he was standing in front of her stark naked. “I’ll leave you to get dressed.”

He nodded, but his face was still set in a scowl. “Thank you.”

A blush roared up her neck to her cheeks and as hard as she tried not to, her eyes flicked over his naked body. Something jolted deep in her belly. A little flustered, she swung around and moved back out to the living area. She stared at the terrine of soup for a few moments before she placed it in the stasis unit to keep it warm, then she turned to leave.

“Kathryn?” At the sound of his voice she swung around and gave him a lopsided smile of apology.

He was now dressed in a pair of loose pants and t-shirt and walking over to him, she put out her hand, her brusque manner an attempt to cover her embarrassment. “How is it?”

He reluctantly placed his injured hand in hers and allowed her to inspect the damage. She spoke without looking at him. “Do you need a hand to clean up in the bathroom?”

He was looking at her and still scowling, he shook his head. “No, it’s done already. What are you doing here?”

“I came to see if you were all right. I brought soup.” She indicated the terrine with a nod of her head. “I thought you might need something comforting, and I know how much you like mushroom soup.”

Some of the tension left his shoulders. “Thank you. That was very thoughtful.”

She looked at him carefully, her embarrassment evaporating in light of his distress. “Are you all right, Chakotay? I’m worried about you.”

“I’ll be fine. It’s just going to take some time to come to terms with the fact that none of it was real. I don’t like feeling like this. I’d forgotten how close to the surface my anger lay. This is a harsh reminder.”

Her brow knitted with worry. It was very unlike him to admit to something like that. She nodded and re-wrapped his hand in the towel. “The cuts aren’t too bad. They’ve stopped bleeding, so they can wait.” Moving over to the replicator she pulled out the soup and bread and placed them on the table. “You must be hungry. Can I serve you a bowl?”

“Kathryn, you don’t have to do this.” He moved over beside her to organise the food himself.

She laid her hand on his shoulder. “I want to and you’d do the same for me. It’s what friends do for one another, isn’t it?”

He gave her a wan smile. “Yes, it is. Thank you.”

Taking a bowl from his cupboard, she ladled into it a healthy portion and passed it to him. He gave her an unreadable look. “Aren’t you going to have any?”

“Are you sure you don’t want to be alone? I’d understand.”

Shaking his head. “No. I’d like you to stay. Do you have time?”

She quirked her brow and joked in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Let me just check my dance card…” She smiled gently. “Of course I’ve got time.” She took another bowl from the cupboard and served herself.

He tried a smile. It was an improvement on the earlier attempt but it was still a far cry from the dimpled grins that Kathryn had grown to love.

She broke off a piece of the bread and handed it to him, then taking a piece herself, dunked it in her soup. “Hmmm, not bad considering it came from my replicator. It must have known it was for you.”

Chakotay followed suit and had a mouthful. He nodded in agreement. “Not bad at all.”

They ate in silence with Kathryn sneaking looks at him as they ate. His brow was furrowed and there was still that haunted look in his eyes. He really needed to talk.

Once the food was finished, Kathryn took their plates to the recycler. “Would you like a coffee or tea?”

“Tea, thank you.”

Kathryn ordered their beverages and then took them to the living area. They sat quietly sipping on their drinks. Kathryn decided to wait and see if he would open up. She knew him well enough to know that he would when he was ready, so she watched him surreptitiously; casting quick glances at him every few seconds. Several moments passed before he spoke.

“There was a girl.”

Kathryn raised her head and looked at him. “A girl?”

“A child. Her name was Karya. I took care of her after her grandfather was taken by the Kradin. But in the end I couldn’t save her and the Kradin took her. I was so angry.” His voice caught. “I thought I’d failed. I felt for the Vori. I identified with them. They seemed like a good people caught in a terrible situation. But when Tuvok took me back to the Larhana settlement, she was there, just as she had been the first time I saw her and she didn’t even know me.” He gave a bitter laugh. “I was trying to protect a figment of my imagination. It was all a lie. An illusion. All that emotional outlay and none of it was real. I think I was in shock at that point. All the feelings of anger and regret I’d felt when my family were killed had come roaring back and I had no control. I wanted all the Kradin and the Vori dead.”

He raised his eyes to hers and his look made her gasp. “Oh, Chakotay. I’m so sorry.”

With a shrug he took another sip and hid behind his mug. “I almost shot Tuvok, you know. It was a close thing. I was so enraged when he found me. He doesn’t know how close he came to being an ex-Vulcan.”

“You didn’t though. You didn’t shoot him. There must have been some part of you that was aware. It’s a testament to your innate goodness, my friend. From what the Doctor told me, you shouldn’t have been able to overcome the brainwashing.”

He gave a small twist of a smile again. “How did he put it? I was so mixed up they could have convinced me that my mother was a turnip.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes. “I could have slapped him when he said that. Empathy is still not his strong suit.”

Chakotay huffed quietly. “It’s really quite funny when you think about it. I just didn’t appreciate it at the time.” He turned towards the window and Kathryn could have sworn she saw a shimmer of tears in his eyes. She dearly wanted to hold him and comfort him, but was still unsure of the boundaries.

Friendship, their professional relationship, love, regulations, command structure, desire and those dreaded protocols, all warred within her. In the end she asked herself what she would want if she was in his place and without hesitation she placed her cup on the table, moved over close to him and put her arms around him.

He stiffened momentarily and then all but collapsed into her arms. He wrapped himself around her and hung on for dear life. She could feel tremors running through him as he found a measure of emotional release in her arms.

As upsetting as it was to see him like this, she was so pleased that she was able to give him this small measure of comfort. They so rarely had the opportunity to give and receive this sort of emotional support and it didn’t take a genius to realise just how important it was for their mental health and wellbeing.

After several moments he pulled away. “Thank you, Kathryn. I needed that.”

She nodded giving him another gentle smile. “Anytime, Chakotay.”

Their eyes met and they stared at one another for a long moment. Chakotay took a deep breath, and his movement jolted her out of her stupor. She bolted out of her seat and moved to the replicator again. “Computer, a dermal regenerator. Authorization, Janeway Lambda 147.”

The instrument shimmered into existence and Kathryn picked it up.

“Let’s have a look at that hand, shall we?” She was all business now, but only on the surface. Underneath her stomach was roiling and her heart was pounding. These were the times when she was most vulnerable. Need was something that was rarely addressed between them. Whether it was just the supportive need of a comrade at arms, or the emotional need of a friend, these were just a smoke screen for the real need that both of them harboured.

But first things first. His wounds needed to be healed. His physical wounds took priority, and depending on how that went, she would see how to go about dealing with their emotional needs.

Kathryn sat close to him and picked up his damaged hand, unwrapping the towel. The knuckles were covered in a criss-cross of small cuts and abrasions. There were several larger lacerations on the fleshy parts of his fingers which were still oozing blood and looked sore and swollen. His large hand lay in her smaller one as she manipulated the regenerator.

The pale blue light moved over the wounds and within moments, like magic, they were healed. She concentrated intently on her task but could feel the heat of his gaze as he studied her. Once she finished the back of his hand she turned it over to check for any other cuts. His palm and fingers were unblemished.

She stared at his hand for a long moment, and still cradling it in her hand, she placed the regenerator on the table. It was so quiet in his quarters that she could hear him breathing. The soft whoosh of their breaths was almost hypnotic and she could feel herself falling into rhythm with him. In and out, in and out.

The warm and heady scent of him filled her and overrode her senses. As always it astonished her, the affect this had on her. Calming and arousing, all at the same time.

Her eyes were still fixed on his hand. She dared not look at him and knew she should stop herself, but her movements were beyond her control. Her fingers drifted across his palm, gently stroking over the soft skin, following the lines and creases.

She could feel his eyes boring into her as her fingers traced the contours of his fingers and thumb and then drifted up to his wrist where she followed the faint outline of the veins there. Under her fingertips she could feel the hurried beat of his pulse, and laying her hand on his chest, felt the corresponding thud of his wonderful heart.

His heart. She loved his kind and gentle heart. It was what made this man so special and it tore at her when she thought about what the Vori had done to him, leaving such a grievous wound in that precious organ. It wasn’t a physical wound, but it was just as damaging and potentially mortal. His heart was aching with loss and betrayal. The very heart she’d thought, for several worrying days, had ceased to beat. She hadn’t wanted to believe it, but there were many moments when the realisation had washed over her, that perhaps this time he’d left her forever. But he hadn’t. He was very much alive and sitting here beside her, all warmth, sweet breaths and desire.

She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. “I thought I’d lost you.” Her voice hitched slightly as she spoke and she opened her eyes, still looking at his hand. “We couldn’t find you for days and then when we did, you were so damaged that I thought perhaps you were still lost to me.” She looked up at him for the first time since she’d sat to mend his wounds. “Are you still lost, Chakotay?” Her eyes were filled with love.

Tears shimmered in his eyes and he shook his head and whispered. “No. For the first time in many years I know exactly where I am and where I want to be.” He lifted his other hand and his fingers whispered across her cheek and lips. Kathryn gripped his hand tight, holding on. She needed him to ground her or she would fly away. He was her anchor and she closed her eyes as he caressed her face, his fingertips feathering over her skin.

As his fingertips drifted over her lips she kissed them and heard him draw in a jagged breath. The moment was intense.

Opening her eyes she stared at him for several heart beats. “Chakotay, I’m going back to my quarters…” He jolted and began to pull away. She held his hand fast in hers. “I’m going back to my quarters to get a few things. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes. I don’t want to be alone tonight and I don’t think you want to be either.”

“Kathryn, I don’t want you to do this out of pity. Only do this if you want to be here. Otherwise….”

She let go of his hand and took his face between her hands. “I love you, my friend. With all my heart. I don’t want to be parted from you again. I don’t think either of us can do this on our own anymore. I need you and I think you need me. I’m tired of pretending.” He opened his mouth to speak, but she leant forward and kissed him lightly to quiet him. “We’ll discuss this when I get back. Okay?”

She stood, but he latched onto her hand and bolting to his feet, he stood in front of her. “I need to tell you before you go, just in case.” He swept her hair from her face and stroked his thumb across her cheek. “I love you, Kathryn Janeway.” He smiled, the first genuine smile since his return. “I’ve said that so many times in my mind that it seems so natural to say it to you now. I love you.”

Kathryn grinned up at him. “Thank you. I’m glad.” She lifted their joined hands and kissed his fingers quickly before she let go. “I’ll be back in a moment.”

He watched her leave, a part of his heart going with her, but she turned just as the doors opened and smiled. He relaxed a little and smiled in return. The doors hissed shut and he shook his head.

Wonders would never cease. She loved him. He’d known though. It was something that he’d always suspected, but this afternoon when she’d chased him out of sickbay, he’d known for sure. And even though the knowledge should have lit his soul, he’d been so consumed with hate and anger that it was difficult to equate. But now? He breathed deeply and with the thought of her love… his grief and anger began to evaporate. Love and joy filled the void.

She’d said she would be back in a few minutes, so he recycled their cups and wandered into his bedroom and straightened the bed. It wasn’t five minutes later that he heard his doors swish open and close. He turned to find her leaning against his bedroom door with a small duffle slung over her shoulder.

She moved forward and dropped it on the bed and began to unpack. “Is there room for these?” She held up her uniform and a handful of underwear.

He grinned at her and moved to his cupboard to make room. There was something so intimate about placing her things alongside his. On the one hand it was so heart-warmingly normal and on the other so extraordinarily rare and precious. He couldn’t stop the churn of excitement in his gut or the blissful grin on his face.

Thoughts of the Vori and the Kradin began to fade and as Kathryn took his hand and walked with him into his bathroom carrying her toothbrush and shampoo, he knew this was the real deal. This was really happening but like some sort of bizarre juxtaposition, reality took on a dream like quality.

One minute they were standing by the bathroom sink staring at one another, the next they were naked in the shower and she was washing him from head to toe. Her gentle hands cleansed not only his skin but his soul, and with each stroke of her soapy hands he felt renewed.

He reciprocated and bathed her. His hands skimmed over the soft pale skin of her body, learning, touching, and in their own way, worshipping. It was highly erotic and Kathryn’s body was tingling with anticipation as they stepped from the shower. They dried each other and drifted into the bedroom.

They fell into the bed and the sense of vivid unreality continued, as wrapped around one another, they made love for the first time. It was all they had imagined it to be.

She was generous and responsive, her body pliant and sensitive. He was gentle and giving, strong and caring. She lay beneath him with her legs wrapped around his hips as he thrust deeply into her willing body, his eyes never leaving hers. They gave and received with equal fervour. Kathryn countered his thrusts with those of her own and she ground against him, pulling her inner muscles tight and gripping him.

He groaned with each thrust and muttered endearments in a language she couldn’t understand. Her fingers dug into his shoulders and she gasped through an open mouth, staring at him through half lidded eyes. The sensations and feelings were overwhelming and Kathryn kept asking herself how she could have resisted for so long.

His large hands stroked over her body, kneading here and tugging there, the pressure growing and growing, the sweet torture of impending orgasm leaving them breathless. Kathryn dragged his head towards hers as the first judders began, and locking her legs tight around his hips and her lips tight to his, she moaned into his mouth as the exquisite tightening released into the rhythmic spasms of her climax.

Unable to withstand the barrage of sensations, he thrust once, twice and then came, hot and hard. He wrapped his arms around her small body and they writhed in blissful torment until the sensations passed and they both collapsed back onto the bed, to lie sated and dozing in each others arms.

Kathryn snuggled against the warmth of his body and without opening her eyes she spoke quietly. “Are you all right, Chakotay?”

He tugged her close in response, his thumb rubbing up and down her upper arm. She felt his voice rumble through his chest. “Hmmm. I will be. Thank you, Kathryn.” He kissed the top of her head and sighed. She placed her hand over his heart, and with its quiet and reassuring thud beating against the palm of her hand, Kathryn slid into slumber.

Chakotay lay awake with his world in his arms.

Kathryn.

A tear escaped, sliding down the side of his face at the joy of it all. Closing his eyes he brought forward the faces of Karya, her grandfather and the slaughtered Vori soldiers in his thoughts and slowly erased them from his mind, one by one. When he felt that he’d purged himself of their cruel manipulations, he conjured up the memory of Kathryn’s face as she’d made love to him and placed that in the forefront of his mind.

He smiled and tugged her closer. She muttered something in her sleep and snuggled against him, her hand curling into his chest. With his heart filled with love and with her breath caressing him, his eyes drifted shut and he followed her into slumber.

- _Fin_ -


End file.
